The Ethicist

Before I begin this new post. . .for the love of God, Tom, please shut the hell up. I grew up wanting to be Tom Cruise. Up until I was in 5th grade, people would ask me what I wanted to be and I would say Tom Cruise. "Oh so you want to be an actor?" "No," I would say, "I want to be Tom Cruise." That feeling has long since passed, but I still think he is a pretty good actor. All this being said, please shut up and shut up now. You didn't even graduate from high school, you are a member of a cult, DO NOT PRETEND TO BE AN EXPERT IN THE HISTORY OF PSYCHOLOGY; you sound like an idiot.
I love the column in the New York Times Magazine named The Ethicist. If you have never read this before, it is basically an advice column where everyday people write in with their moral dilemmas and ask, "what is the right thing to do?" This column fascinates me on several different levels. First, I love being able to peer into the moral quandaries in which people find themselves.
"Dear Ethicist, My Son Bobby wants to play baseball, but is too small to hit the ball past the infield. Should I start him on steroids myself or let him come to the conclusion that he needs an 'edge' on his own?"
Okay, so I made that one up, but it isn't that extreme of an example, which leads me to the other reason I love reading these letters. It seems, for the most part, that the answers to all of the questions posed are so obvious. "Do not give your son steroids, but maybe steer him to an activity in which he can excel." This could mean one of several things; I have an extreme sense of right and wrong, everyone else is ethically bankrupt, or people are hoping that a columnist will give them the go ahead to do what they want to do by saying it is ethical. The first is fairly impossible because I know myself pretty well, the second would be pretty depressing if true, so I think it is the third one. This is actually somewhat encouraging because it means that people really do know which choice is the ethical one and are simply making sure there isn't some loophole they missed. This might not be admirable, but at least it is understandable. Making the ethical choice is sometimes difficult and I don't see anything wrong with covering all your bases before you suck it up and do the right thing. Oh yeah, before I forget; Tom, STOP TALKING!!!!

Introducing: ExtraFox

As a brand-spankin'-new Lighter Person, I suppose that my first post must go down in Sir Toby and the Lighter People history as a triumph in first-post-writing; a first-place first post, if you will. I had several ideas regarding what to write about, but given that I'm still unsure of the demographic to which I'm speaking, I think I'll just cover them all and see which is the most well-received.

First Post Topic the First: The Great Gaber Challenge
Dating back to the earliest of hierarchies, it was nearly always the responsibility of the new blood to challenge the old blood. From the gladiators of Rome to the blacksmiths of London, it is, historically, imperative that newcomers to a particular trade or business make a name for themselves right off the bat (especially, so I understand, in baseball and spelunking). Thus, I feel that The Lighter People should be no different. I have joined your ranks and avast! let ye be challenged. I hereby state that I, ExtraFox, shall surpass your blogging capabilities, Gaber, as soon as I find out what that entails. Whether it be interviewing with the likes of Jon Stewart or writing with the ease of Thomas French, I shall overcome.

First Post Topic the Second: ExtraFox, in a Nutshell
I guess it's only fair to give this blog's readers a glimpse of the intricate wonder that is me, ExtraFox. I should begin politically. Unlike Mr. Gaber, I am an avowed Democrat, and a very liberal one at that. Abortion, those gays, gun control, women's reproductive rights, freedom in general - I'm pretty down with that. I read and write way too much; sometimes I fear becoming a hermit. I actually have a book drawer - a drawer full of books in line to be read. The ones I have read go on my bookshelf. I'm neurotic about driving: I never let anyone else do it. I'm opinionated, open-minded and blunt and that's really all you need to know.

First Post Topic the Third: Saltines
Nature's most perfect food (I refer to, of course, the beautiful Saltine Trees that grow just inland near the fjords of Norway). Is there anything they can't do? Aside from being a terrific snack full of valuable nutrients like sodium, they are also useful as building materials, dog treats, motor fuel, CD scratch repair aides, khaki dyes, self-defense weapons and replacements for your belt sander. I can't count how many beautiful Saltine Mansions I've seen constructed; how many times, in a pich, I have stretched my fuel mileage by adding a cupful or two of crushed Saltines; how many muggers I have warded off with a quick reflex and a sharp Saltine. I ask you, what more could you want from a snack item? If pressed, I am sure that a Saltine would have no qualms running for President, even.

First Post Topic the Fourth: The Ignorance Epidemic, Patriotism Gone Corporate
If there is a god, surely (s)he must be really pissed off about all that's going on down here. It's just gotten so utterly ridiculous that you can't go fifteen minutes without hearing someone spout some uninformed opinion about a topic on which he or she has no business forming any kind of opinion, let alone an ignorant one. It's a problem of epic proportions, and I wish I knew where to pin the blame. I think Michael Moore had it right when he blamed fear in the media, fear in the corporations, but they can't all be working together. I can't conceive of how there is one common idea floating out there among the execs and bureaucrats that the American people need to be controlled by their own fear. It's as though somehow our corporate overlords have joined some massive League of Shadows a la "Batman Begins" and are hell-bent on our destruction. I don't believe that. I think we allow the fear to control us, in some respects want, need the fear to survive, and the corporations play on that like any other supply-demand graph.

My case in point: the recent invasion of the ribbon magnets. Seriously, what is going on? Someone, somewhere, decided it would be a good, patriotic service to produce oversized ribbon-shaped magnets supporting a cause. Almost over a single weekend, every other car on the road was suddenly covered in these plastic labels as though they were somehow going to protect the vehicle and its occupants like a Shinto charm scroll. It's practically a modernized mistletoe. I'm not sure who originated it, be it an individual or a company, but I have to admire its ingenuity even if I despise its effects. To speak well of it before I thrash the idea to hell, it's a genius marketing ploy. Mass-produce these magnetic ribbons and label them as being in support of various causes from liver cancer to "our troops" and WHAM! you've got instant customers following their tugged heartstrings. Now onto the thrashing.

I fail to see how this is fooling anybody. Walgreens sells these magnetic eyesores. Walgreens. Do you really think Walgreens is donating a damned penny to whatever cause you think you're supporting just because you bought their cheap knock-off of someone else's original idea to pull one over on the general public? Yeah right. They are pointless symbols crowding the checkout lanes, making them more colorful than the PRIDE parades some of the ribbons are decidedly against. Not only that, they've become more collectable than the long-forgotten Beanie Babies. You see cars, vans, SUVs lumbering down the highway with six or seven of these ribbons ("support our troops," "breast cancer," "American Christianity," "domestic abuse" or maybe even "god hates fags") clinging to their rear bumpers for dear life while the driver smokes a cigarette with the windows up (her two kids strapped in the back) and changes the radio station when the public service announcements come on only to listen to more entertaining commercials. If ever there was a bumper sticker niche more annoying than the Jesus fish, this has to be it. And it's raking in a metric shitload of cash in the process.

Some Random Thoughts for the Full Moon

I have always really liked my new place, but now I LOVE it. We bought some window boxes for our little deck and planted some flowers. I am sitting outside, enjoying the night, drinking a beer, not studying my lines (more on that later), listening to a band cover some Grateful Dead from the bar across the trail, and looking at our flowers. I really like plants, and if that makes me a sissy, I think I can deal with it. It makes me feel good to take care a living thing. I especially like plants because if I kill it, I don't feel that bad, but if it thrives it makes me feel terrific.

For those of you that don't know, I am in the midst of rehearsal for another play. This time, I am not directing, thank God, just acting. It feels really good to be on the stage again. I feel like I am working on something important; solving real problems (yes, I know, ACTING problems), but problems I care about. This play has the potential to be excellent and I am excited. I will be posting soon about specifics (show dates, description of the play, etc.) very soon.

I have finally done something I've been wanting to do for a long time now. . . I bought a bike. About two weeks ago, I bit the bullet, put down the moolah and bought one. I have to tell you kids, I really like it. We live very near a trail that can get you all over the city. I have gone on several bike rides over 12 miles and I can't get enough. The bike on the left is very similar to mine. There is something about riding a bike that makes me feel like I am back in my old neighborhood riding over to a friends house to...ride our bikes around the neighborhood. The added bonus to all of this is that I think I have finally found an exercise activity that I will enjoy for awhile. I can also ride my bike to my other job, around the neighborhood, to the local watering hole; all the while feeling like a kid again and altogether wonderful, free and spiffy. If you don't have a bike, I suggest you get one. I have become ridiculously protective of mine and might kill if it means saving my bike. I about punched this guy in the face because he was leaning on it tonight at work. I love my bike...don't fuck with it. My bike is so great, that on one of my lasts trips, I ran into Dave Matthews. Now, I will be the first to admit that I am not as big of a Dave fan as I used to be, but still DAVE MATTHEWS!!! He was the soundtrack to much of my late high school/college years and it was pretty cool to meet him. Dave, as I now call him, is a pretty cool guy and was willing to sign my script. I was riding my bike and saw a man walking towards me that looked very familiar, it just happened to be Dave. I said hello, asked him how he was and kept riding. Realizing that this might be a great opportunity to meet a pretty cool guy I went back and found no Dave. Long story short, I waited around and finally cornered him as he left a workout facility. We chatted some more, got the signature and he took off. Overall, a very cool experience and I owe it all to. . .my bike. The moon looks great, my beer is gone, I must go to sleep. G'Night all.

Two Things Before I Sleep

I am up wait too late. Just one of those nights were you stay up for no good reason at all. Messing around on the computer, messing with IPOD, watching absolutely nothing on TV, I'm sure many of you have been there before. There are many constructive things that I could be doing, but. . .(sigh) oh well.

A new feature on my site is the little thing on the right which shows what is currently playing on my computer through ITunes; just to give you an idea of what I am listening to at the moment. Pretty cool huh?

Thanks to sks for becoming a contributor, just remember, there is still time to sign up. If there is anything I can do to make the site more appealing to join as a contributor let me know. Alright, time to sleep.

Got Something to Contribute?

Okay, I am going to try and add more "Lighter People" to this website, because 1) I am tired of just seeing my own posts and 2) I want to hear from other people and 3) to hopefully get more recognition and hits to this site. I have tried in the past to add people, but they rarely contributed. This is fine, blogging is not for everyone and I have the tendency to ignore posting for long stretches of time. (If any of those former contributors want to get back in the game, just let me know.) Last time I emailed people and asked them to join, now I am opening it up to anyone that is reading this blog on a semi-regular basis. If you know me in the real world outside of this little site, I can pretty much guarantee that I will add you as a contributor. Just respond to this post and tell me who you are or email me. If I don't know you, the process is a little more complicated. If you feel that you would be a good fit here, simply tell me why in a response to this post. Hopefully, this will be more of the blog community that I first envisioned when I started this thing.

The Unspoken Thank You

I was watching "Gattaca" the other day. This is one of those movies that when it is on I feel compelled to watch it. Not because it is a great movie by any stretch of the imagination. It is good, solid, mildly entertaining movie that takes itself a little too seriously. However, all of this is beside the point that I want to make in this post. At the end of the movie (don't worry, I'm not going to spoil the ending for those of you who care) there is a scene in which one of the characters commits a extremely kind, generous act that benefits the main character played by Ethan Hawke. Hawke's response is something that we see often in movies, the "unspoken thank you." He simply nods, and without ever saying a word, the other guy knows that Hawke's character can never repay him and is EXTREMELY grateful for all that he has done. This happens all the time in movies! If it is well done it can make the toughest of men (or women) cry. If it isn't, then is can seem cheesy and shallow. There are several variations, sometimes the nod, other times a whispered or mouthed thank you (yes, I know this is close to an actual spoken thank you, but let's not quibble), sometimes a single solitary tear, and still others an all knowing gaze. These usually take place during the climax of the movie and can be the single defining moment of the whole film. The question I have is this. . .Does this really happen in real life??? I cannot think of any moments in my life where I have either given or received an "unspoken thank you." It seems that there are either two ways to go about thanking a person for an extremely kind, generous, thoughtful act; you can either thank them profusely to the point where the person becomes either annoyed at your thanking them or angry for not thanking them enough; OR you don't thank them at all because you don't think the act was really ALL THAT kind or generous and they get really pissed and swear you off as a cold selfless asshole or bitch. Maybe, we should take our cue from movies and start to go with the "unspoken thank you." So, if you do anything kind or generous for me in the future and I don't say anything, just know that the thank you is unspoken.

The Most Surreal Letter You Will Ever Read

Okay, so my buddy emails me this a couple of days ago and I immeditely asked him if I could post it. He said I could, as long as I changed the names to protect the innocent, which I have. The first letter is from his ex-girlfriend, the second is his response. I have been assured that the first letter is indeed authentic. This is all real folks, I promise.

May 23, 2005

Dear Fred:

I have had a difficult time, over the past few years, achieving closure of our relationship. It is time for me to seek this. I have gone through the appropriate stages of anger, remorse, sadness. It is now time for me to close this chapter of my life.
I am trying to recapture my life and gain a sense of identity back. In my professional life I have done this, but my personal life struggles. For so long I/We were “Lucy and Fred”, that it is hard to gain my own identity back. I am not worried about my career; I will soon succeed even my wildest dreams. I am just stunted by my personal life.
I am ready to release you from my life. I also on a weekly basis encounter people who want to tell me about you or have a discussion about you. I do not want to deal with this anymore. I do have a proposal on how to handle this
I am ready to no longer be forced to deal with your presence. As to how to deal with it, I propose the following:
I’ve heard you have an apartment on the West side. You need to move out of the West side of (name of city), this has always been my side of town, I own a house here, and do not rent like you. I grew up here, and always want to live here. I would prefer if you were to leave (name of city) all together, but I know this is more than I can ask. I do not want to risk running into you at any store.
We should officially divide our friends. Particularly Billy, Brad, Jill, and Scott. You should write them, thanking them for the opportunity to be their friend and explain why you can no longer be in contact with them. I can provide you with addresses, if you need.
I will stay out of Republican politics. I promise not to get involved with any Republican politics, unless my father runs for judge, and than I reserve the right to work on his campaign.
I would like you to not have anything to do with all things (a high school). I feel I should have ownership of the school since my mother works there and my brother and sisters went there. You are more tied to (a local college). This should be where you dedicate your alumni status. I will be involved in (local high school). When the time of reunions comes up, I am willing to say that you can have the reunions ending in “0” years and I will take the”5” years. So you can have 10 years and I will take 25 years.
I will avoid (local college) contacts. The few guys from the house I still speak to on a rare basis, I will not. I will also discourage any male offspring I have from attending (local college).
I know some of these things seem a bit harsh, but I feel they are for the best. I do not ever really wish to see you again. I know that this will of course happen beyond my control, but I think we should do our best to avoid what we can.
It is my sincere hope that you understand, and do take the time to respond. This is my last request of you.

With fondness,
Lucy

May 31, 2005

Dear Lucy,

Thanks for your letter. We broke up 3 years ago. Knowing that and taking into consideration you believe me to be a cold, career focused, ego-maniac, what on earth makes you think I would take the time to think about you or agree to your proposal? But since I clearly have taken the time to respond, please take a moment to review some comments and counterproposals I have crafted.

1. First, I will have to resist the burning urge to move RIGHT NEXT DOOR TO YOU. After that deep desire subsides, I will vacate the Westside and return to my roots: The Snooty Northside, as you used to call it. However, since I was born on the Northside and I have Northside in my veins you must abdicate all ties to the North. This includes: Living on the Northside, living on the Northeastside, walking down North Street, being a fan of the Dallas Stars (formerly the Minnesota North Stars), wearing North Face apparel or telling your children that Santa lives at the North Pole. 1 (B). I was born in (name of city) before you were so I should really get to determine who stays and who goes. In my benevolence I will let you exist here only within the (local private school) boundary (High Dr. to 10th. and Fake Street to 10th St.) We will call this the LucyZone. This should be acceptable for you as your family lives across the street and there is a gas station, grocery, convenience store, your place of employment and a fire station. Exceptions can be made with my expressed written consent. You will be required to display a large tag in your windshield giving you permission to travel beyond the LucyZone.

2. I haven’t talked to your friends since we broke up. I think they got the message. However since we apparently are still in fourth grade, please have your friends meet me by the playground at recess so that I can tell them they have big fat heads and they aren’t my friends anymore. Do you agree? _______Yes ________No ________Maybe 2 (B). One of the few times you let us do something fun, we visited some of my family friends on (name of body of water). It was about eight years ago. We enjoyed their boat and home for several hours during a pre-(local event) party. Please jot them a note saying you are going to forget that ever happened. Please also offer to reimburse them for the boat gas, pool chlorine, air conditioning Freon, Dr. Pepper and anything else you consumed while you were there. I don’t have their address anymore, you can look it up.

3. Please let me know when your father runs for anything. I’m going to run against him. 3 (B). Thanks for staying out of Republican politics. Your heavyweight presence in the party will be sorely missed. I am very involved in ice hockey. I play recreationally and coach a youth team in the winter. I would prefer it if you could stop being involved in all things related to ice and ice hockey. You can use those instant first aid coldpaks to cool your drinks from now on. Also, my parents have been very involved with the (local annual festival) for nearly 20 years. The month of April is really a big month for us. While I am not able to honor your request of moving out of (name of city), I would ask that you just leave town during May. With 250,000 fans going to the (local sporting event) and 35,000 runners in the (local mini-marathon), I don’t want to run the risk of bumping into you. I know your birthday is in April, but man, I just don’t care.

4. Christ, I don’t have the energy for this one.

5. If any of my friends from Wabash actually still talk to you, they are fucking fired as friends. 5 (B). I’m not going to tell my kids anything about you. But speaking of kids, it would be okay with me if my son was a crack addict, just as long as he got your kids hooked on it and became their dealer.

In closing, I will never make decisions about my life or my family based on whether I might run into you at the store. I am now convinced that if we ever do bump into each other, you will spontaneously combust. I wish you the best of luck find a spouse. Seriously. It won’t be easy to find a person who is willing to spend the rest of his life raising children and making decisions based on your crazy-ass proposal to an ex-boyfriend and your inability to act like a rational human being.

All my best,
Fred