Credit Where Credit is Due

(This is a post that I have held in reserve, decided to post it. Things in my life have stabilized since then and writing this post helped a lot. Yay blogging!)

I have a problem. I tend to shy away from credit if anyone or anything makes me feel as if I don't deserve it. I need to stop that. A lot easier to say than it is to do. Does anyone else feel like this sometimes? Too many times in the past year I have felt as if I have accomplished something really great. It gives me an opportunity to really feel good about myself. Now, for the type of person that I am, this doesn't happen very often. I tend to play down my accomplishments and don't go around rubbing it in to others. Mainly because I hate to see others do that. and partly because I feel that if I celebrate too much, the joy of victory will be dashed by some unforeseen catastrophe. Don't fly in the face of fate or God or whatever, because before you know it. . .WHAM-O! I know it is silly, I know most things don't operate this way, but man it sure feels like it sometimes.
Anyway, the last couple of times that I have really felt good about something, someone says something to indicate that I don't really deserve to be proud and instead of sticking up for myself, I immediately start to think, "Well, maybe they are right." My moment has passed before I really got to enjoy it, all because I don't want to seem like a person who celebrates what they don't deserve. Also, because I don't want my good fortunes to make them feel bad. I don't have that killer instinct and it really hurts sometimes. What really gets me is when something good happens to someone else and they are telling me about it, I don't get jealous of the actual feat they accomplished, I just hate that they seem so comfortable in their success. Sometimes this makes me wonder if I shy away from succeeding because I don't know if I can truly enjoy it.
I hate when people say, "Oh, they just said that to you because they are jealous." To me, jealousy implies that the person doesn't think you deserve what you are getting. "Why is that happening to him?" If someone really cares for you, then they will be happy that you are happy, happy that you have found your way in life. If they are jealous they would just assume you be miserable.
I feel a little bit better writing this down. The thing that gets me is that these type of feelings have been magnified a lot in the past year. The conclusions that can be drawn from that are scary to say the least. Either, this is an internal issue that is going to get worse or certain external things in my life are causing me to feel like crap. Either way. . .yikes. I don't know if I will publish this post. . .need to talk to someone first.